tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC October 5, 2013 12:35am-1:35am EDT
>> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is great right there. oh, my gosh. great new york city crowd.
welcome to the show everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." please. thank you for being here. thank you for watching at home. we're going to have a fun show tonight. a lot of good stuff, yeah. this is what happens when the government shuts down. [ laughter and applause ] people just don't care. they don't care anymore. in fact, the whole shut down is a big mess. it is a giant big mess. today, i read that republicans were looking to senator john mccain to negotiate a deal to end it. [ laughter ] when asked if he could bring them together, mccain said, "hey, i did it with the pilgrims and the indians." [ laughter and applause ] he's been around that long? republicans were hoping john mccain would help them get their way on the spending bill because if there's anyone that who beat barack obama it is the guys who lost to barack obama. [ cheers and applause ] did anyone -- the new iphone -- did anyone get the brand new iphone that's out?
four people. great. [ laughter ] well, people are saying there's a bug or something. people have been complaining this week that texts on the iphone aren't going through. yeah. today, apple released a statement saying, "maybe she just doesn't like you." [ laughter and applause ] didn't think about that. this is a crazy story. a man in montana says the u.s. treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 in cash. [ laughter ] which explains why today the treasury got a call from another guy who said -- [ as obama ] "my dog, bo, just ate $14 trillion. never mind. i'll call back." [ laughter ] oh, man, this is not good. a new survey found that only 46% of americans have actually read a book in the past year. [ audience oohs ] if gets even worse when you hear it was just the instruction manual for grand theft auto v. [ laughter and applause ] that's not a book. it's more of a map. it's like a foldout map. >> steve: a foldout map or a
pamphlet. >> jimmy: did you see this? our buddy microsoft founder bill gates, he said that making users type control, alt, delete to log in was a mistake. [ light laughter ] that's not the only thing he regrets. i'll show what you i mean in a new segment called "regrets with bill gates." here we go. ♪ it's regrets with bill gates ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, he has a lot of regret. here's his first regret. he said, "i wish i didn't wear that red golf shirt into staples yesterday because i ended up spending three hours helping people find toner." [ laughter and applause ] you can't dress like those guys. >> steve: don't. >> jimmy: here's another regret he has. he said, "we shouldn't have quietly removed clippy the paper clip from microsoft word. we should have executed him." been watching too much "breaking bad," i think. i always hated clippy the paper clip. i don't like that thing. >> steve: clippy. >> jimmy: you want to write a letter? yeah, i do, i want to write a -- get this dumb thing off.
yeah. >> steve: you want to write a business -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> steve: is this a resume? >> jimmy: i don't know what it is. just stop it. >> steve: you haven't had a job for quite some time. [ laughter ] we got a lot of free time on your hands. you don't know how to spell. >> jimmy: all right. get off my back! clippy. here's bill gates' last regret. he said, "i should have slept with more supermodels like some or even one supermodel." bill, never too late. you can do it. [ cheers and applause ] you can do it. your wife will let you. you know what we need? another awards show. yeah, well, i just saw that youtube is going to hold its own awards show to honor the performers who have gotten the most views in the last year. of course, it will be awkward when justin timberlake winds up losing to a cat riding a roomba. [ laughter ] i never thought i'd see that day. any beer drinkers out there?
[ cheers and applause ] i love it. well, listen to this. a new study found that americans drank a record amount of beer in the last year. [ cheers ] when asked why, americans were like, "am i a pretty girl?" [ laughter and applause ] am i a pretty girl? almost comes too naturally to me. [ laughter ] sorry. sorry, if i weirded you out. i won't do that again. this is an odd story here. i just read about this guy in ohio -- i don't know why people do this. i don't know what's wrong with people. a man in ohio actually just pled guilty to having sex with a pool raft. [ laughter ] even worse news. the raft is now expecting twin
arm floaties. [ laughter ] i st hope he's there for them and raises them. some big baseball news. i saw that baseball commissioner bud selig just announced plans to retire. yep. said he was getting too old and worn down for the job and then a-rod was like, "call this number." [ laughter ] we never talked. you never saw me. speaking of sports, it's week five of the nfl season. and this sunday night, we have the houston texans and the san francisco 49ers going at it. [ cheers and applause ] going to be a good game. now, every year at the end of the season, they give out awards like most valuable player. but they also give out awards during the season, too. sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks. like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. so, with that in mind, it's time for "late night superlatives." ♪ late night superlatives ♪
>> jimmy: here we go. our first player is brian cushing. he was voted to be most likely to be the real life version of butthead. [ laughter ] uh, beavis, ah -- up next is mike iupati. he was voted most likely to let people hit golf balls off his head. i don't know why he would let people do that. we have colin kaepernick. he was voted most likely to star in iran's version of "blue's clues." that's very. [ laughter ] have you guys -- have you guys seen -- have you seen blue? have you guys seen him? [ laughter ] andrew gardner was voted most likely to accidently call the coach dad. "hey, dad. sup?" [ laughter and applause ] vance mcdonald was voted most
likely to be nicknamed spongebob squarehead. what? ryan harris was voted most likely to be sinbad's unfunny brother. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: sinworse. >> jimmy: this is jared crick. he was voted most athletic garden gnome. [ laughter and applause ] i've seen that guy on front lawns. this is bryan braman. he was voted most likely to get too friendly teaching your wife yoga. [ laughter ] what you're gonna want to do is just put your leg over this way. we have matt schaub. he was voted most likely to tell vladimir putin -- [ with russian accent ] "it's been taken care of." [ laughter and applause ] "job is done, yes?" shane lechler was voted most likely to have grown his goatee to try something new after diane left him. [ audience oohs ] very, very specific and weird.
and finally, ben jones was voted youngest john goodman. there you go, guys! those are your nfl superlatives. we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, we have a brilliant show tonight. we are so happy to have him back. one of the funniest guys around ever. gosh, i love this guy. artie lange is here. he has a new book. [ cheers and applause ] he always delivers. man, he's funny. also tonight, she is the editor of "rookie" magazine and our favorite teenager of all time. tavi gevinson is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] great in the movie, too. her dad's here with her. >> steve: aw. >> jimmy: she's super cute. and we have music. oh, we love this group so much. phantogram is here tonight! oh, boy! [ cheers and applause ]
they are talented. good stuff. you are going to like that. today is friday. and that's usually when i catch one some personal stuff. i check my inbox. i return some e-mails and, of course, send out thank you notes. and i was running a bit behind. [ cheers and applause ] so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i would just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. do you guys mind? is that cool? thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] james, could i get some thank you note writing music please? ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: imagery. >> jimmy: what's he doing? >> steve: i think its one of those paco rabanne ads. >> jimmy: what is it, paco rabanne? [ laughter ] >> steve: -- ad in the '70s. >> jimmy: paco rabanne. that's great reference. yeah, yeah. >> steve: that's it. ♪ >> jimmy: goodness. thank you, james. i appreciate it. write out a few thank you notes. >> steve: goodness.
>> jimmy: weird. ♪ thank you, "jeopardy!," for being the most entertaining way to remind myself how stupid i am. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know any of these. i don't know anything. thank you, "cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2," for being a movie as well as an accurate description of every sauce at olive garden. [ laughter ] do i get a meatball in there? >> steve: is there a meatball in there? >> jimmy: it's good. i don't know whether there's two meatballs in there. >> steve: cloudy sauce. >> jimmy: thank you, vatican officials, for saying jesus was the first twitter user because his messages were brief and carried meaning. though, i bet it got weird whenever someone was like "yolo," and jesus said, "speak for yourself." [ laughter and applause ]
>> steve: catch you in three days. >> jimmy: gulp. yolo. [ laughter ] yolo. you should get that, it was pretty good. >> steve: him and lazarus. >> jimmy: yeah. thank you, airplane window shades, for being a great way to casually ignore the greatest human achievement of all time. think i might take a nap. [ laughter and applause ] who cares about the -- >> steve: the grand what? >> jimmy: yeah, grand canyon, who cares? i'm tired. thank you, pigeons, for always looking like you're about to launch into a john travolta impression. [ as travolta ] i swear to god. sandy, sandy, girl with kenickie, i can't believe it's you. ♪
>> steve: danny zuko? [ laughter ] ♪ summer lovin' oh, sorry. >> jimmy: thank you, step ladders, for being regular ladders who married my mother. [ laughter ] you'll never be my real ladder! [ applause ] >> steve: no. >> jimmy: you can call me carl. we're friends. i got you a new xbox. >> steve: i'll play it, but i don't want to talk to you. you're my step ladder. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. let's have a screw driver or something, hang out. be cool. be cool, man. >> steve: no, man? forget it. i want my real dad. my real ladder back. >> jimmy: is it dad or ladder? >> steve: uh, what? >> jimmy: are you on an elevator? [ laughter ] ♪
thank you, dust wands, for looking like anorexic troll dolls. there you go. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, bags of halloween candy, for letting me trick myself into believing i'm actually buying candy for halloween. there you guys have it. those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with artie lange. remember, on "late night," when you're here, you're family. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ alarm sound for malfunctioning printer ] [ male announcer ] you've reached the age where you've learned a thing or two. [ metal clanks ] ♪ this is the age of knowing what you're made of. so why let erectile dysfunction get in your way? [ gears whirring ]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a hilarious comic and host of his self-titled nightly radio show that airs from 10:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. he's also a best-selling author, whose new book, "crash and burn," is out october 29th. please welcome artie lange, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back! >> what's up? >> jimmy: my friend, everything good? >> everything's good, man.
i feel very hip. i was hanging out with the band, man. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> about three weeks ago, i did a set at the comedy cellar. you know, great comedy club here in new york. and i go around the block, and i go to the fat black pussycat, which, of course -- the fat black pussycat. >> jimmy: okay. >> that's where you'll see me instead of like an all-night gym. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you'll be at the fat black pussycat. >> you're not going to see me at the new york sports club. you'll see me at the fat black -- >> jimmy: i won't see you at equinox? >> no, not at equinox. unless i'm hanging out at the juice bar with a cigarette. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> trying to pick up some broads with abs, you know? but no. so i go there, and i see damon and mark, the bass player and the tuba player for the roots. and they're hanging out, drinking, you know, milk. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't believe this at all. you're a bad liar. >> it was so cool. it was just -- i felt so hip because any -- i felt like calling my friends. are you hanging out with a celebrity by any odd chance? because i got the best celebrity on the planet. they're like, "justin timberlake?" no, i'm hanging out with the
tuba player from the roots. >> jimmy: yeah, that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] could only mean one man. he's a good man. that's what i'm talking about. >> he's got to be the only tuba player that gets laid. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. no. sadly, no. >> no? >> jimmy: no, no. >> no, really? >> jimmy: he's not. >> okay, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: hey, i want to say congratulations. i just met your fiancee backstage. >> my fiancee. >> jimmy: beautiful. >> gorgeous woman. >> jimmy: she's a beautiful girl. and you guys are getting married. >> we're getting married. we're getting married. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very exciting. congratulations. i don't see you as a great wedding planner for some reason. >> no, the wedding -- they asked me if i wanted any input in the wedding. and i said i -- i was in one other wedding. i was six-years-old. i was a ring bearer. my uncles wedding. and i told them -- i said, i want the same exact involvement as i had with that. i want my suit to be laid out in morning. halfway through the ceremony, i want to be dragged out crying. [ laughter ]
and then just get, like, some food on my tie at the reception, and then i just go to bed. >> jimmy: yeah, then you go to bed early. that's exactly what you have to do. >> yeah. it's an odd world because, you know, my father's passed away. so i don't have him. i have a sister, a mom and my fiancee. so i'm surrounded by women, and they all watch "dr. oz." that's all they do. and i do -- apparently, every "dr. oz" episode is about me, apparently. [ laughter ] it airs, i think, at 10:00 a.m. at 11:02 a.m., here's a phone call i get from one of the three. like my mother will call me. 11:02, you can set your clock to this. she goes, "artie, it's mom. i just watched dr. oz. you still eat butter, right?" [ laughter ] then, there's a pause. she goes, "call me!" but, since high school, my mother says stuff like -- she screams at the top of her lungs. and says stuff that's like sort
of -- sort of hateful and disgusting. but then she'll say something that's like parental and nice, but at the same loud tone. like in high school, she used to say stuff like, "get out of this house! i hate you! i never want to see you again! are you hungry?!" [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: same volume? >> same -- the other day -- "you are the worst person on the planet earth! there are chicken cutlets in the refrigerator!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> ma, slow down. but, the dr. oz thing kills me. artie, it's your sisters -- in tears. i just watched dr. oz. do you know about cholesterol? >> jimmy: oh, my god. you have to deal with all that stuff? do you talk about that on your radio show? do you get to talk about stuff like -- >> sometimes i talk about that. i talk about mostly sports. >> jimmy: yeah. are you still into sports? >> you know, it's funny. i stopped gambling. [ laughter ]
i realized, when i stopped gambling, i'm not that big of a sports fan. [ laughter ] unless i have my mortgage on the game, i don't care. i don't care. you know, in sports -- they call gambling a disease. and my buddy, the great norm macdonald, had the best line about that. norm said, "yeah, man, they call gambling a disease. but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: it's so true. >> which is true. and i like to gamble on something you don't know anything about. that's when it's exciting. like, you know, some of my friends who aren't degenerate gamblers -- i remember going out with them monday night football, and they would say, i'm going home, tonight." and i'm like, "why?" i'm going home early. it's a bad game. it's two teams i don't care about. they're both, you know, got no wins. and you know, browns. you know, the rams. i don't care about the game. and i'd be like, "what do you mean?" they say, "i'm bored. i'm going to go home early." i'm like, "well, do you want to make it interesting?" [ laughter ] and they'd always go, "what do
you mean?" i go, "how much money do you have in your savings account?" [ laughter ] they would go, "$800." i go, "put $1500 on the rams." >> jimmy: turn things right around. >> and we'll get drunk watching it. it'll be like new year's eve at p. diddy's. >> jimmy: that's exactly what it will be. >> double your net worth on a bet. and like, i don't know anything about the browns. that's when it's the best. you don't know anything about the game or the team. i like betting on sports i know nothing about. people say, "how do you know you're a degenerate gambler?" well, here's how you know. if you're at the mirage sports book in las vegas at 4:00 a.m., and you got a scotch in one hand, and you're jaw is moving really crazy because the bad coke you did or something. [ laughter ] and you're walking up to total strangers and going, "did you see the high school lacrosse scores"? >> jimmy: high school lacrosse scores? >> i bet on don bosco prep.
and ramapo. you see any lacrosse -- lacrosse scores? >> jimmy: oh, my god. high school lacrosse. you can't bet on that. >> and you start hitting your face because of the -- you see -- you see -- do i look weird to you? >> jimmy: oh, my god. would you bet on weird stuff? like what -- >> i would bet. at the mirage sports you can get a line on two kids playing wiffle ball in a backyard in minnesota. "i got you, timmy, you fat bastard! where's that slider now, scumbag!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can't gamble at all, now? >> no, i don't. no, i can't. because i'm one of those people where it leads to badness. every little vice i do -- people say, "i can have one beer." i'm like no. you can bet one -- i'm type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually gets awful. if i put as $5 bet down on a roulette table tonight at 10:00, by tomorrow at noon, i'd be running guns to cuba. [ laughter ]
around 1:00 a.m., i meet a guy -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. more with artie lange when we get back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] you know that guy that's got a ham radio in his basement. he can talk to china, mongolia and all the koreas and he eats velveeta shells and cheese. so who are you calling amateur? liquid gold.
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it was so good. it was great stories. pick that up, if you don't have it. it's a great read. this one here, "crash and burn," it's kind of dealing with -- >> the last five years over my life, which were sketchy. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i got to say, man. we've known each other a while and you -- when i was going through my hell, i went through a couple of rehabs, a couple of mental institutions. at one of the rehabs, i got a note from the great jimmy fallon, who said, "i hope you're okay." that meant a lot to me, man. [ cheers and applause ] it was very nice of you. >> jimmy: we love you. >> your assistant has great handwriting. [ laughter ] no. it was -- it was very touching. >> jimmy: is this photo real? is this really what you look like? i mean, what -- >> my fiancee -- my now fiancee agent's took that picture on the upper west side of manhattan. >> jimmy: holy mackerel. >> and nothing says "crash and burn" more like -- >> jimmy: no, not at all. i love the quotes. >> that's an actual quote. >> jimmy: from you're aunt, "you're so stupid, yet you live." [ laughter ] your uncle frank?
>> my uncle frank imanto, no longer with us. he was a carpenter guy. he was big in the carpentry union, and he would get us all jobs, like sheetrock and stuff. and when i was 16-years-old, he watched me sheetrock a bathroom. and he got about the 7th grade in school. and he would, "oh, [ bleep ], you are so stupid, yet you live. how are you walking the planet earth? you are just dumb." and he was, like, from the streets in newark. and he would set you up at 12-years-old with a girl. he set me up one time, i was 12-years-old, with a girl. the girl is 11. and i got back -- up at like seaside heights boardwalk in jersey. and i come back, and he goes, "you bang her?" [ laughter ] and i go, "no." we, like, spit on each other. and he goes, "you don't know how to move." he goes, "when i was your age, i was banging everything that walked." >> jimmy: oh, my god. uncle frank. >> great uncle. >> jimmy: there's some serious
stuff in here. but, there's also some funny stuff. when you talked about rehab -- it must have been awful, by the way. >> rehab is just -- i wouldn't suggest it. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> really, you got to get things -- wake up every day at 6:00 a.m. and there was this guy -- i went down in florida. this place ambrosia, great place. ambrosia rehab. go tigers. [ laughter and applause ] softball rehab day. >> jimmy: exactly. >> and this one guy was really nice. he wasn't used to, like, our northeastern, you know, new york, philly sarcasm and meanness. and for the first two weeks, i wouldn't get out of bed. and i would just yell the meanest stuff at him. and he would repeat it, like he didn't know what to do. because he had never heard anything so mean. he would come to my do door, and he would go, "hey, artie, it's dave." that's how he talked. he looked like the skipper from "gilligan's island." and he goes, "hey, artie, it's dave. it's 6:00 a.m., buddy, you're
gonna be late for yoga. what do you mean you hope my mother gets herpes? [ laughter ] my mother's not even alive." >> jimmy: it's a joke. >> "what do you mean you hope someone digs up my mother and gives her herpes?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got it -- meaner and meaner. >> "that's the meanest thing i've ever heard. i don't think you're getting this program." >> jimmy: yeah. by the time you left, you're buddies? >> yeah, we were friends. you couldn't have anything with alcohol in it. some shampoos have alcohol in it. so i would always go buy shampoo with alcohol in it just to mess with him. he had to check it. you know, he's going through my groceries. and he goes, "hey artie, it's dave. i got bad news, buddy. salon selective is level six. got alcohol in it. i can't let you have it, buddy."
i'm like, "f-u, dave, i got unmaginable hair!" [ laughter and applause ] and he goes, "i know, and i'm sorry." look, i have been in bad shape, but i've never considered doing a shot of purell. [ laughter ] security, like get to room six. i just caught artie doing a line of head and shoulders. >> jimmy: there you go, exactly. artie lange, "crash and burn," is in stores october 29th. >> you can pre-order it. >> jimmy: you can pre-order it on amazon, you guys. october 29th. hear his radio show weeknights from 10:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. check out artielangeshow.com for more information. tavi gevinson joins us next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ across america people are taking charge of their type 2 diabetes with non-insulin victoza®.
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now get a $139 per month lease on a 2014 nissan versa note. "i'm terry mcauliffe, candidate for governor, and i sponsored this ad." these are birth control pills. more than half of american women use them at some point in their lives but ken cuccinelli sponsored a bill that could have made common forms of birth control illegal, including the pill. cuccinelli was one of only five senators to support this "potentially radical intrusion into domestic, family and individual decision-making" why is ken cuccinelli interfering in our private lives? he's focused on his own agenda. not us.
called "rookie yearbook two." it's in stores right now. she also stars alongside julia louis-dreyfus and james gandolfini in the critically acclaimed movie "enough said." she's getting good buzz off that, this one. it's currently in theaters. please welcome back to the show, a hard working high school senior. here's tavi gevinson, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tavi, welcome back. welcome back. welcome back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming back to see us. >> yeah, thanks for having me. >> jimmy: congrats on everything. i mean, this is big stuff. man, you're in a giant movie. you're getting good reviews. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, that's kind of fun. it's exciting. >> yeah. no. yeah. >> jimmy: here's you -- here's you at the premiere. you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: look at that. you look beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] now, last time -- last time you were here, you taught me how to do a thing called bitch face. >> mm-hmm. [ light laughter ] i had to make a bitch face, yeah. and it was very good and helpful
for me. how i do red carpet face? >> it is the same thing. >> jimmy: it is? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> that's what no one tells you. >> you just look, like, mean. >> jimmy: like you're bored? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. like you're mean and you're bored? >> right. >> jimmy: like -- >> just like a squint. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> artie: if you like, i could teach you guys how to do a morbidly obese face. >> jimmy: no, no. [ laughter ] no, please, artie, please. [ laughter ] >> artie: that's kind. very kind. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i have to ask, because you do all this stuff. but you are also a high school student. >> yeah. >> jimmy: senior year, how's it going? >> it's fine. it's like -- >> jimmy: oh, no. you don't like it? >> well, i feel like -- okay, last year, all of my friends were seniors and i had lot of study halls. so i felt like that was my senior year, and now i just feel like i flunked, and i was held back. and i'm just hanging around. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so everyone is like, "senior!"
and i just feel like school hag or something. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. you've already done it. yeah. but how did you get such a strong work ethic? >> i -- well, i feel like -- >> jimmy: i mean, because you do so much stuff. >> yeah, but also i've been doing it since i was, like, 12. so i think i'm not endorsing child labor, but starting early helped. >> jimmy: yeah, you kind of are, in a weird way. but, i mean like, this summer, you went to australia and you spoke to all the fans of "rookie" over in australia. here's an instagram of with you a koala, which is very fun. i've never met a koala bear. >> artie: yeah. >> jimmy: are they super cute? >> they're -- they're cute, but they're, like, really scary, and they don't seem happy to see you. and they are, like -- [ laughter ] well, first of all -- >> jimmy: you want them to be happy, like a dog? >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but it's also -- i mean, it's miracle if they're even awake because they eat, like, eucalyptus plants and are asleep, like, 20 hours a day. so they're basically, like,
stoner college students. [ light laughter ] >> artie: you mean me? >> jimmy: if you take a photo of artie -- [ laughter and applause ] it looks like the same photo right now. i wish i could take it right now. >> artie: you got anymore eucalyptus? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i did a bit -- i did a bit for you on the website called "ask a grown man." >> yeah. >> jimmy: which is a really fun thing you do. you should have artie do one. he's very good. you just give advice. [ laughter ] you know what? maybe don't have artie. >> artie: what is it? you get advice from a grown man? >> jimmy: yeah, get advice from a grown man. >> i can give you some, if you want. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> great. fun. >> jimmy: yeah, he's got some good advice. >> artie: for a young boy, i can give advice. >> jimmy: yeah. >> artie: a young boy. all right. if you give a hooker -- >> jimmy: all right. wait, wait, wait. artie, artie, artie, enough. >> artie: no, this is quick. if you give a hooker money -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> artie: to go and get marijuana -- [ laughter ] she will never come back.
>> jimmy: all right. that's very good advice. thank you, artie. it's good advice. >> yeah. >> artie: believe me. i'm like 38 for 38 on this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's tried numerous times. pal, i want to talk about the book here, "rookie yearbook two." it's one of the coolest things. there are so many interesting articles in here and stuff to look at. this is different than the first one because the first one is more for girls. >> yeah. well, i mean, they're -- "rookie" is for teenage girls, but i'd say this one is maybe a little more neutral. and it's a continuation of the first one in that it's just like -- i think it still feels homemade and everything. >> jimmy: it does, yeah. >> but there is different subject matter. >> jimmy: well, like, also, the thing i like about your books is, this one, you can make your own tarot cards. that's fun. [ light laughter ] this thing here, look at this. this is create your own shrine,
so you have stickers that you can stick around a frame over here. then, you just put a photo in there, and then you create your own shrine to that person. >> yeah. i, actually -- i made one before coming to the show. >> jimmy: this is very, very nice. is it for artie? >> oh, there it is. should we hold it up for everyone? >> jimmy: sure. oh, boy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] how embarrassing is that? that's my high school photo. >> no. it's great. >> jimmy: i tried to grow a mustache. just shave that wispy -- a wispy mustache. it's so embarrassing. >> i think it's great. >> jimmy: why would anyone want my high school photo? i never had a mustache. it's so wispy. if it got windy it would be like -- [ laughter ] fly away. it was so gross. i actually made one as well. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, i made one for you. i found a really great picture of you, too.
there you go. [ laughter ] i love you, tavi. you're awesome. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're so fun. yeah, this is for you, pal. >> thank you so much. we love you. tavi gevinson. pick up "rookie yearbook two." and go see "enough said." she's great in it. it's in theaters right now. phantogram performs after the break. stick around everybody! it's fun! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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it's on their famous 2 for $20 menu. february, 2013. a landmark transportation bill is up for consideration. even though it's backed by republican governor mcdonnell... ken cuccinelli joins tea party republicans to block the plan. but terry mcauliffe believes it's time to break through the gridlock in richmond. mcauliffe presses democrats to support the bill. and the bill passes.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come back and see our show next week, you guys. sir paul mccartney will be here. miley cyrus, alan rickman and katy perry will all be here next week. [ cheers and applause ] you don't want to miss it. our next guests -- oh, we love these guys. they made their tv debut with us back in 2011, and we're thrilled to have them back tonight to premiere the song "blackout days" from their new self-titled ep. please welcome phantogram! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to artie lange, tavi gevinson, phantogram. [ cheers and applause ] and the greatest band in late night band, the roots, right there, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for carson daly. thank you for watching. have a great weekend! hope to see you next week! buh-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪